This Is Why (Janie Scrapbooks)
| This Is Why (Janie Scrapbooks) |
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| Written by Liv Esteban | |||
| Monday, 04 May 2009 19:00 | |||
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Why do I scrapbook?
In my case, I’ll start where I always do … not with the photos, not with the design, and not with the paper or doodads. I’ll start with the story, and this one begins in August of 1991. At that time, I found myself in Phoenix, Arizona. Paralyzed by 110-plus-degree heat and a broken heart and spirit, I was 34 years old and had $7 to my name. My situation was not pretty. Just two weeks before, I had fled my picture-perfect house in southern California. The confrontation that prompted me to do so was the last straw in a short union defined by pain, anger, and abuse. I had left with my 10-year-old daughter, my car, what little money I could pull together, our clothes, and a few household goods that didn’t even begin to fill the smallest U-Haul trailer. In Phoenix, I had worked to quickly put our lives back together in some semblance of order. I was numb with shock and fear but understood my daughter needed me to be strong. Luckily, I knew the landscape as we had lived there before moving to California. I found a job, moved us into an apartment and enrolled my daughter in fifth grade. And then I fell apart. My dismemberment was not visible. I got up every day, made my daughter’s lunch, took her to school, and did my best at a job I didn’t love but that paid the bills. I kept our apartment spic-and-span clean, did the laundry, did my best. But I was dead inside, empty. I had no spark, no flame, no feelings, no drive. When I called my mother for help, for a small loan to tide me over, I couldn’t even feel anger when she told me “no” and advised me to pack up my things, go back home and “try to be good.” As often happens in life when we allow it, I literally ran into my deliverer. In fact I tripped over her purse as she sat in our company’s reception area. She was disguised as a temporary administrative assistant who was hired to help me with a large grant-writing project. With three young children and a not-so-great ex-husband, she also was no stranger to tough times and referred me to a counselor who had been helpful to her. Good Samaritan that he was, he kindly agreed to meet with me for what my health insurance would cover. I won’t subject you to the details of how I pulled myself out of the brink of despair and into the life I now live with gusto. But there is one scene so relevant to this discussion that I must share it. In one of our first meetings, the counselor provided me with a disposable camera and gave me an assignment. I was to use it to document a day in my life. I thought it a strange request – How would taking photos help me?, I wondered – but I was desperate. I did as he asked and brought the prints with me the next time we met. For as long as I draw breath, I will never forget his first question to me that day. “Where are you in your life, Janie?” he asked. For in looking through the photos, he saw what I had failed to see. While my 24 shots included images representing moments in time throughout my day, in not one of them was I present. I had used the camera to capture details (my alarm clock, my lunch, my desk, my daughter after school) but had never handed it to someone else to capture me. Sadly, we both declared me missing-in-action on the battlefield of my own life. Were this a picture-perfect fairytale, I would share with you that I immediately ran into a scrapbook store and instantaneously healed myself while dabbling in the creative process we all love. No, that didn’t happen, but what did is almost as magical. Upon leaving the counselor’s office, I sat in my car, cried until I could cry no longer, then wiped my tears and blew my nose. I decided that never again would I be invisible in my own story. I started living and feeling, and I started taking photos. I learned to find joy both behind and in front of the camera. Now when I take inventory, my situation is far different from what it was in 1991. In the years since then, I single-handedly raised my daughter in a house of love and healthy self-esteem. Today she is 28, beautiful and self-assured. I went back to school and finished my college degree at age 40. In six years, I quadrupled my income, and today I manage a corporate communications team that is nationally benchmarked. Perhaps most miraculous of all, I learned to trust myself in the realm of personal relationships and married my best friend, Scott. We celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary on New Year’s Eve and have no shortage of plans for fun and adventure. What’s all this got to do with scrapbooking?, you may ask. Well, as happened to most of us, I was introduced to the art by a good friend. She took me to a Creating Keepsakes convention and the rest is history. It took many years and a lot of courage to open up the old boxes full of photos hidden under my bed. In doing so, I also opened up the feelings hidden deep inside my heart. As I created scrapbook pages, I worked through issues and healed wounds. I faced my fears and my failures, forgave myself my mistakes, celebrated my accomplishments and became aware of my strengths and talents. I had the good fortune of stumbling across Jessica’s blog and Photoshop Friday. I bought Adobe PSE4 and eagerly jumped into the digi world. It was a short trip over to jessicasprague.com, and I am proud to be a “beta girl,” having participated in each of the Divine Miss J’s first classes. While due to work and other commitments I am not as active as I’d like to be, I cannot imagine my life without the friendships, learning and camaraderie we all share here. Today I have a paper and embellishment stash my friends call the “store,” and an external hard drive filled with 80GB of sheer digital ecstasy. I’ve retired my copy of PSE and labor to learn Photoshop CS4. Above the closet in my studio where I store my photos and supplies are these words, stretching six feet across the room: “This ain’t no dress rehearsal, Janie.” Those words remind me of all I have been through, and more importantly, what lies before me and within me. Reading them, I strive to be present and brave enough to reach out and embrace both the goodness and the challenge of daily living. When appropriate, I share what I have learned with others who are seeking their own personal peace. So why do I scrapbook? Whether it be paper, digital or hybrid, when I sit down to create, I start with a silent prayer and a fervent desire to tell a story. For it was in telling my story that I found my voice. And in finding my voice, I rekindled my desire and ability to live with purpose and joy. While I’m still shy about being photographed and much prefer to be behind the camera, never again will I be absent in this beautiful journey we call life. Trackback(0)
Comments (37)
 
Janie--I'm sitting here so moved by your story. You are so blessed to have been on the journey you've been on and to have learned from it the things that you shared in this article. Your gift for 'telling the story' is beautiful ... keep writing, keep blessing others, and keep the faith.
tammy 1
May 05, 2009
Janie, you write beautifully and poignantly. I have tears in my eyes, and love in my heart for you. You have not survived, you have excelled, you have succeeded, you have flourished, and you have learned to love yourself as you love others. What a wonderful legacy you will leave one day for your family - the life you're living and the memories you're capturing. I admire your strength, your perseverance, and your love of life.
2
May 05, 2009
Janie, my dearest beta-girlfriend, thank you once again for your courage, for your generosity, for your authenticity in sharing your heart and your Why with us. You are beautiful, inside and out, and don't you ever forget that. PS. I think your avatar needs updating to this one... it's much more YOU.
 Love ya, girlie!3
May 05, 2009
Janie.....i am sitting here in tears and also with such joy and pride in my fellow "beta"!! Beautifully written...thank you so much for sharing this story...love and hugs, boston dawn
4
May 05, 2009
wow, what a story. Thank you so much for sharing; it must have been difficult putting those words out for all to see. But thank you; you are a strength.
5
May 05, 2009
Janie,
Thank you for risking to share your incredible journey with all of us. We often don't delve into the why as it can be so personal. You've reminded me that we all have our why that has brought us together. Thanks for the inspiration. ~Monda 6
May 05, 2009
Janie, this is an amazing story! You are such a strong woman and have accomplished so much. I love the words in your studio. That is so great.
7
May 05, 2009
All I can say is what a story. The strength that you have in yourself now is a tribute to the stength
that you have always had, but was hidden. Thank you for telling your story in such a moving and uplifting way. 8
May 05, 2009
Thank you for sharing this beautiful, courageous and moving story with us.
10
May 05, 2009
Beautiful, Janie! Thank you for sharing with us. MIss you around the Spraground but know you are a busy lady. Thank you again, you are dear.
11
May 05, 2009
What a touching story. Thank you for sharing this. Sometimes I forget that scrapbooking is not just a hobby - it is storytelling at its finest. Janie, you inspire me!
12
May 05, 2009
Janie, you are awesome but that is not new to me, I have always known you to be awesome. Your words are eloquent and inspiring and I am so glad to have been able to form our friendship from the beginning. Love ya GF
13
May 05, 2009
Thank you for your strength in sharing this part of your life story with us. You are an amazing woman and scrapbooker!
14
May 05, 2009
Janie,
I can only imagine what your stories will be like going forward...I can't wait to hear more. Your zest for living life to its fullest is contagious. You are right...this ain't no dress rehearsal! Many thanks for sharing!! 15
May 05, 2009
whoa...what a story and kudos to you, Janie. Love that line. . .this aint' no dress rehearsal. Sounds like a good one to put on the bathroom mirror to see each mornng. Thanks for sharing your story.
16
May 05, 2009
Very beautiful..... I love how genuine you are. Your story is a true testimony. I'm so amazed at your writing... thanks for courageously sharing! shell
17
May 05, 2009
Now that I have wiped the tears away and can see the screen again, I want to tell you thanks, Janie, for sharing that with us. You are amazing! And I can't believe we (you, Kari, and I) haven't gotten together for lunch yet! I still have stuff for you from Chicago!!! Don't tell Liv or Jess that.
 Seriously, though, when can we get together??? 20
May 05, 2009
Janie, Thank you for telling your story. WOW!!! You are an amazing writer with an even more amazing story to tell.
21
May 05, 2009
That is such a powerful, moving, and inspirational story Janie - you totally earned and deserve the happy journey you are on today.
22
May 05, 2009
Janie, congrats on making your life what you want it to be. Your story is inspiring. I agree, this isn't a dress rehearsal, it's the whole show. Make it a good one.
23
May 05, 2009
" It took many years and a lot of courage to open up the old boxes full of photos hidden under my bed. In doing so, I also opened up the feelings hidden deep inside my heart. As I created scrapbook pages, I worked through issues and healed wounds. I faced my fears and my failures, forgave myself my mistakes, celebrated my accomplishments and became aware of my strengths and talents."
I had to hold my tears in as I read this part...I think this is why I haven't scrapbooked all those boxes packed with photos of our (my daughters and I) past...I am divorced and have started a new life with a wonderful man, but I'm just afraid to open all those old wounds of the past. I tell myself that regardless of what happen in my past, it has made me who I am today and how my life is today, so I just want to scrap all those old pictures for my daughters to have as memories for when they are older. 24
May 05, 2009
What a breathtaking story.....thank you for having the courage to share it with us.
25
May 05, 2009
Janie my dear beta GF! what an amazing woman you are! Your strength inspires me (but then again, it always has). I'm so glad that we shared those beginning U&R days together. You were such a strength to me then and helped me so much when I was struggling so much on my digital journey. Thanks for sharing your beautiful story with us. I agree with Liv ... love that photo!
PS - I'm SOOOOO jealous that you live close enough to Tori and Kari to get together. 26
May 05, 2009
Janie,
Wow, what drive and determination. I admire your grit and am proud of what you have done and am happy for your here and now and your future. Thanks for sharing. 27
May 05, 2009
My dear friend Janie.....first of all, how wonderful to see in that fabulous photo doing what you love to do! I couldn't wait to start reading your article as soon as I saw it. I already knew you were a fabulous writer and I knew it would be like reading a a new best seller. But I wasn't prepared to have tears and to feel the emotions tugging at my heart.Your journey hasn't been an easy one but you have managed to rise ahead of your challenges and to find happiness that you so richly deserve! Janie, you are truly an inspiration to all who know you and you are one of the most amazing women I've ever met. You are unbelievably strong, sincere and talented! I just hope we really do get to meet each other some day since last summer didn't work out! You are a treasure! I have enjoyed our digi journey together since our beta days and I'll always remember our ACDSee phone call when you were so patient in helping me learn that program! Kudos to you Janie and may your journey in life continue to reward you with happiness! (((HUGS))) GF!
28
May 05, 2009
Janie, thank you so much for sharing your story. Your story brought out of me many reflections & you have put many feelings I had so eloquently. Thank you for representing many of us.
HUGS. SusanD 29
May 05, 2009
Amazing. I love this site. A woman I have never met has the guts to tell her story--so beautifully. I had tingles up and down my spine as I finished. I have never met you, Janie, and it is highly unlikely that our paths will ever cross (although, who knows). However, you are a sister of my heart...
30
May 05, 2009
Thank you for opening up your heart to share this amazing story with us.
Judy 31
May 05, 2009
Thank you for being transparent and authentic in sharing your story. You've come a long way and we celebrate this with you. Keep writing and loving life!
32
May 05, 2009
Janie Girlfriend, thank you for sharing your heartwarming story with us. Ever since I met you in our early U&R days with Jessica, I knew you were special! The help you gave me as I struggled digitally in those early days trying to learn all about ACDSee will never be forgotten. You and Liv are the reasons I so enjoy this wonderful hobby.
33
May 06, 2009
Yes indeed... everyone has a story, and you have share a piece of yours beautifully. Thank you for that.
34
May 06, 2009
I was starting to give up on scrapbooking: I get so tired of seeing layouts about perfect lives and perfect husbands and perfect 2.5 children. Life is complicated and we all have skeletons, and we should be writing about them. Scrapbooking is a therapeutic form of journaling and it must include all of our memories, even those we are afraid to face. How refreshing to hear a true story from someone who has faced just those memories! Thanks for sharing...and for proving that there is so much more to this hobby than what shows up on the covers of the industry's magazines!
36
May 07, 2009
What an inspirational gift this posting was.
Thank you ever so much for sharing. 37
May 12, 2009
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Those of you who read Liv’s article – and those of you who have written your own story – may have come to the same conclusion I did: The answer to this seemingly simple question may not be that simple after all. 
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