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Well, this seems pretty trivial now after reading about Marcie's passing, but I really need to vent/get advice.

Three years ago, my DH and I stopped celebrating Christmas. We made our wishes known to my family and his and while my family disagrees with our decision, they have honored our wishes of not sending cards and/or gifts. Unfortunately, his family has not. His niece actually laughed it off and continues to send us cards and his mother, who lives next door to us, continues to give us gifts. Granted, they are homemade goodies, but to me, completely beside the point. The first two years, we accepted them anyway to make her happy. This year, my MIL gave the gifts to my DH when she ran into him outside. Instead of putting his foot down and saying no thank, etc, he again accepted them. We got into quite an argument about this, because I feel his family is being disrespectful by not honoring our wishes. I went to confront her and return the gifts, but she was not home, so I left them on her dining room table. She later called me and told me it was a slap in the face to return them. I told her, it was a slap in the face to push her beliefs on us and not honor our wishes. Before I knew it, I was ONCE AGAIN explaining WHY we no longer celebrate Christmas and was even guilted into accepting them. I do not feel I should have to explain our beliefs every year. Even my mother and cousin guilted me into it. I was told that by not accepting cards and gifts, I was pushing my beliefs on them. I disagree. I have never asked or expected them to stop celebrating among themselves, I just asked that they do not include us. The real kicker is, is that it was my DH who started this in the first place and he won't stand up to them.

This year, I am working on a newsletter of last year's events and am seriously thinking about adding a special section for his family only, reminding them that for next year, while we appreciate that they are thinking of us, that they please honor our wishes of not sending cards, etc.

My other option is to simply write refused on the cards next year and send them back, unopened.

Third option, like this year, just accept them. Obviously, since it is two weeks after Christmas and I am still dwelling on it, it is upsetting me, so I do not like option three. I am mostly mad at myself for giving in, because I really do feel disrespected and I feel like a hypocrite by accepting anything, be it cards or gifts.

I would greatly appreciate any input.

I can see this is a difficult thing and I don't think anyone will have "the" answer that best suits you. If you are willing to listen, I'll give you my 2 cents worth

I first of all can see that although your husband may have initiated the request, peer pressure is getting him so you are no longer working as a "team" on this. No offense really...just an objective opinion based on your input I think it's a family decision and if your family chooses to not observe Christmas (whatever your reasons) you have the right to believe it. You also have the right to request people not include you. With that said!! I also agree that it is a double standard to ask them to respect your decision not to celebrate Christmas while you don't want to respect their right to celebrate it. In MY opinion, Christmas isn't just about religion and presents and decorations; it's about giving and doing for others. That's what your family is doing-they are giving and loving in the season. I personally send out Christmas cards and I send them to my atheist friends. None of them have ever been offended by my decision. I would be very hurt if I brought a neighbor a plate of cookies and they refused. A simple "although we don't celebrate Christmas ourselves, we appreciate the thoughtfulness and kindness and generosity you have shown." Period. I would look at it this way-what do you and your husband want to instill in your children? Your options would be; 1)As adults we can respectfully ask people to honor our beliefs, but at the same time understand that they have beliefs as well. A sterile society would be detrimental to our future so accept and welcome and believe in diversity; 2)When you don't get what you want, you close a door in a face and become confrontational. People should all adapt to us. (obviously a little dramatic...hehe)

I hope you don't get angry by my post. I believe you could turn it into something good. "Please understand any and all gifts will be paid forward to our local homeless shelter/food bank. We thank you for allowing us to give to those in most need. We wish for you a peaceful season."

A good movie to watch is, "Christmas with the Kranks."


Earl

i dont understand why you think it is disrespectful for your family to want to include you in their holiday. they know that you don't celebrate, but it doesn't stop them from wanting you around. i used to have korean neighbors that would include me in any and every celebration they had, and they had a ton! i always felt honored that they wanted to include me. my sister's family is jewish. if they invite us to celebrate with them for any occasion, again i feel honored. most holidays are about fellowship and giving.

my husband isn't christian but celebrates christmas with my family and our children. instead of gifts, he requests donations be made in his name to charities. win win for both.

hope this helps.

I agree with Lisa. I understand you don't want to celebrate Christmas and that is your belief and your choice. However, if they do celebrate Christmas and sending cards is part of their celebration you are asking them to change their celebration for your beliefs. Same goes with the treats or gifts. Your decisions and beliefs determine your actions, but you cannot expect them to influence the actions of others, even family.

Thanks to all who replied.

Lisa, I would never be angry for an opinion. I appreciate it very much. You are right about DH and I not being a team on this. This resentment I have towards his family could have been nipped in the bud had he put his foot down in the first place.

I did get some different advice today, elsewhere, that really hit home... while this person agreed it IS disrespectful to continually ignore someone's wishes, whether it be Christmas related or not, she asked me if it was really so important for me to be right. Hmmmm. lol Then it really hit me. They have been doing this for years. Not just Christmas. Everything. Not just with me and DH. Everyone. They do what they want no matter what you ask. (Their hearts are in the right place, just some backward thinking that DH warned me about when we first started dating). Why should this be any different? So, I suppose that in the long run... no, I do not have to be right. Next time I will simply have to remind myself that they are who they are, smile politely and move on?